The Dating Game

so in the last paragraph of my birthday post I mentioned that I was going on a date. since then I have actually gone on two (count them, two) dates. the first one was a Sounders soccer game. now I don’t know a lot about soccer and the only time I’ve actually watched soccer was for the Fifa World Cup a few years ago in Africa (next one is coming up soon in Brazil, by the way!). I was really proud when Spain won, i’m a fan. but I was really shocked to find out that in regular season games it’s actually possible to tie. I was expecting the game to go into a shoot out with the score after the second half tied up at 1-1 but then my date next to me says “that’s game” and everyone starts to leave. my reaction: that’s stupid. I wanted to walk away with the satisfaction of knowing we won, or the opportunity to accept defeat if we lost. a tie just seems so anti-climactic.

but that didn’t stop me from enjoying most of the game. even though the first half of the game was really slow and I resented being on my feet for the whole time (I was running on about two or three hours of broken and uncomfortable sleep on a hospital chair), the seats were still awesome. they were season tickets my date had gotten from someone. plus I had never been to a Sounders game before which was very un-Seattleite of me. the atmosphere was pretty upbeat but I felt like an outsider because I didn’t know any of the names of the players, any of the chants or any of the little game rituals. afterwards we got some food at red robin after we took the train back to Puyallup. I enjoy the simple little things, so seeing that they had changed up the presentation of the food to a tray and a metal container for the fries made me admittedly excited.

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second date was at Point Defiance Zoo & Aquarium. we got to see both the tiger cub and the clouded leopard cub. they were so adorable! them and ET the walrus were the main attractions at the zoo. turns out ET has already outlived the average age for a walrus in captivity of 25. oldest ever was 40. I love ET! he’s been at the zoo since I was a little kid. some of the best attractions that used to be at the zoo are no longer there anymore, sadly. they cleared out the nocturnal house for the new interactive kids area and playground. there used to be an awesome bat cave and naked mole rats and a GIANT jellyfish tank. the beluga whales are also gone now. I resent the little otters that are now swimming around happily in the big tank.

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now for the big thoughts…

I like this guy, and i’m giving him the opportunity to make me forget about my ex. but it’s so hard! if I did date this guy I wonder if i’d be doing it for the right reason. I feel like i’d be doing it to satisfy other people, and out of some (perhaps misguided) sense of feeling like I have to do this in order to get myself to move on instead of dating him because I like him and I want to. but at least I am giving him a chance instead of writing him off and pushing him away from the outset, and that in itself is a positive step. it’s difficult to move on when you’re 20 and you’ve only ever had one boyfriend in your entire life. it makes it a bit harder to let go. i’m not skilled in breakups like many other unfortunate people seem to be nowadays: I don’t want to treat guys like notches on my bed.

sometimes I get caught up thinking about why my ex and I didn’t quite click, and I think maybe it’s because he has this self confidence and self assuredness about him that I don’t have, and it intimidated me. nonetheless I can’t sit here and bash him and make him out to be a bad guy because he broke up with me and because I sort of resent him for it. he is actually a good guy, and I don’t think that anyone should ever regret something that once made them happy. so currently my love life is a tiny bit complex (a girl’s feelings are never simple), and I just need to try and figure things out for myself. I might need a bit of advice.

xoxo,

name

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Don’t Wait Up For Me

There are two types of waiting. There’s the waiting you do for something you know is coming, sooner or later– like waiting for the 6:28 train, or the school bus, or a party where a certain handsome boy might be. And then there’s the waiting for something you don’t know is coming. You don’t even know what it is exactly, but you’re hoping for it. You’re imagining it and living your life for it. That’s the kind of waiting that makes a fist in your heart.

-Unknown

Impasse

Impasse: a situation in which progress is blocked; an insurmountable difficulty; stalemate; deadlock

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an impasse is what I feel like I am at right now. i feel stuck in a rut that i can’t get out of. my feelings are completely muddled. despite being almost 20 and having attained a bit of maturity since my junior high and early high school days (i’m sure we all look on some of those times with at least a little bit of embarrassment concerning some of our childish and irrational behavior), i nonetheless recognize that this post has the potential to turn into a lovesick teen sob story fast. just know that that’s not my intention but if it goes there i’m sorry!

but how exactly is it that you get over someone who has been such an integral part of your life for over a year? how can i put aside the feelings i still have? what exactly does a “break” entail? but i think that there are not cut and dry answers to such questions, not when your feelings are involved. it is easy to tell a friend “you need to forget about him. you need to move on, you guys weren’t happy together anyway.” it is easy to throw words out in the air and then let them sink and fall to the floor in front of you into a sort of verbal path that you should follow. it is another thing to actually walk the path. at the end of the day, now that school is out and my work hours are minimal, i am my own worst enemy, and hope is the weapon i use against myself. hope is both uplifting and inauspicious, and it is hope that drives me on. but i am afraid that it is also hope that will lead me to my ultimate disappointment.

in plain English, i have hope that maybe there is still something between us. that maybe time and space can help him come to the conclusion that he still has feelings for me, like i do for him. but more and more i am beginning to see that this may not be the ultimate outcome of this particular story. we still have our movies. our time in dark theatres where we let ourselves get lost in the stories on the screen, the actors in the middle of their performances. motion pictures as art. we are respectful friends here. we don’t need to talk. just sit thoughtfully next to each other and slip into our own adventures that the movies take us on (ultimately, we both have completely different takes on the movies. completely different impressions and interests and observations).

my feelings are a little bit bruised, especially when i consider that he may just not have any feelings for me. i am another friend in his close-knit circle, and this is honor enough. i have so many regrets, none of which anyone needs to know but which i hold within myself for my consideration only. i hesitate to throw out the word love, but i have intense love for all of my close friends. for my family. and all i want is happiness for all of them. he is the only boyfriend i have ever had which makes him important to me, and i pray for the strength to do what is best for the both of us and for the courage to continue walking with my head held high and a genuine smile on my lips.

i needed to say something somewhere, and so thank you to anyone who decided to read through this. i am seeing him tomorrow for my little sister’s dance recital (she still adores him and wanted me to invite him to come. i was surprised when he enthusiastically agreed to go). wish me luck, i might need it.

xoxoooo,

Kayla

Endnote: Link for the photo was not available on Pinterest so I am not sure where it came from.