The Golden Girl Has Arrived

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now i am going to approach this from a completely superficial and non-technical standpoint and say that i am ridiculously excited about the new iphone 5s because bitches this phone is GOLD! (pardon my language). champagne if you want to be all legitimate about it, which i don’t. gold is my color! i love gold everything. gold things just draw me in like a moth to a lamp. and then the moth proceeds to slam into the bright shiny orb over and over and over again because damn that thing is bright and beautiful and it just wants to be a part of it! when my upgrade comes up around December i might actually go for the new iphone. it seems like every time i go for an upgrade i go in pretty confident that i want an iphone then i actually start looking at phones and find so many others that i like more! my last two phones have been androids and i have been pretty happy with them. when i actually look around i always seem to wake up and realize that the iphone is pretty, she’s just not exactly at the top of her graduating class anymore. however this new golden girl on the scene might finally win me over! (apparently i have decided that the iphone is a feminine object).

now the one thing that might make this gal a deal breaker is the size of her screen. having had androids i’m very used to the large screen and i’m not sure i can happily go down to a smaller screen size. i’m sure i’m one of the many disappointed people who realized when the iphone 5 came out that they just made the screen wider, not smaller. make it a little bit taller still and the thing would start to feel like a touch screen remote control in my hand. i could probably actually make the phone into a remote control (my boyfriend recently showed me how his S4 could control my tv!). i still have a few more months to decide but i think i will finally cash in on my first iphone. try something new. if i hate it then i’ll turn and run back into the arms of android and hope they take me back.

xoxo,name

The Fault in Our Stars by John Green

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You could hear the wind in the leaves, and on that wind traveled the screams of the kids on the playground in the distance, the little kids figuring out how to be alive, how to navigate a world that was not built for them by navigating a playground that was.

-TFiOS, 307

My boyfriend actually had me read this book, and I have to say it’s one of the best books I’ve read in a while. The main characters are kids and young teens who are living with or have been touched by cancer, and about trying to make sense of the world in a much shorter timespan than allotted to anyone else. For a such a sad subject matter, the book has a surprising amount of humor. More than once I sat giggling to myself as I read, giving a half-hearted attempt at stifling my laughter. The book was also surprisingly deep, and I could spend days contemplating some of the insights brought up in the book. The characters are humanly simple and realistic. They are people that I could imagine existing outside of the romantic pages of a novel, yet they are still beautiful in their honest wonderings of the world and their complex ideas. This story brings in to question what it means to live as well as to die. To quote the main character, sometimes you read a book and it fills you with this weird evangelical zeal, and you become convinced that the shattered world will never be put back together unless and until all living humans read the book. This is such a book.

Just a note. My boyfriend’s copy of the book is signed. I’m incredibly jealous.

The Dating Game

so in the last paragraph of my birthday post I mentioned that I was going on a date. since then I have actually gone on two (count them, two) dates. the first one was a Sounders soccer game. now I don’t know a lot about soccer and the only time I’ve actually watched soccer was for the Fifa World Cup a few years ago in Africa (next one is coming up soon in Brazil, by the way!). I was really proud when Spain won, i’m a fan. but I was really shocked to find out that in regular season games it’s actually possible to tie. I was expecting the game to go into a shoot out with the score after the second half tied up at 1-1 but then my date next to me says “that’s game” and everyone starts to leave. my reaction: that’s stupid. I wanted to walk away with the satisfaction of knowing we won, or the opportunity to accept defeat if we lost. a tie just seems so anti-climactic.

but that didn’t stop me from enjoying most of the game. even though the first half of the game was really slow and I resented being on my feet for the whole time (I was running on about two or three hours of broken and uncomfortable sleep on a hospital chair), the seats were still awesome. they were season tickets my date had gotten from someone. plus I had never been to a Sounders game before which was very un-Seattleite of me. the atmosphere was pretty upbeat but I felt like an outsider because I didn’t know any of the names of the players, any of the chants or any of the little game rituals. afterwards we got some food at red robin after we took the train back to Puyallup. I enjoy the simple little things, so seeing that they had changed up the presentation of the food to a tray and a metal container for the fries made me admittedly excited.

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second date was at Point Defiance Zoo & Aquarium. we got to see both the tiger cub and the clouded leopard cub. they were so adorable! them and ET the walrus were the main attractions at the zoo. turns out ET has already outlived the average age for a walrus in captivity of 25. oldest ever was 40. I love ET! he’s been at the zoo since I was a little kid. some of the best attractions that used to be at the zoo are no longer there anymore, sadly. they cleared out the nocturnal house for the new interactive kids area and playground. there used to be an awesome bat cave and naked mole rats and a GIANT jellyfish tank. the beluga whales are also gone now. I resent the little otters that are now swimming around happily in the big tank.

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now for the big thoughts…

I like this guy, and i’m giving him the opportunity to make me forget about my ex. but it’s so hard! if I did date this guy I wonder if i’d be doing it for the right reason. I feel like i’d be doing it to satisfy other people, and out of some (perhaps misguided) sense of feeling like I have to do this in order to get myself to move on instead of dating him because I like him and I want to. but at least I am giving him a chance instead of writing him off and pushing him away from the outset, and that in itself is a positive step. it’s difficult to move on when you’re 20 and you’ve only ever had one boyfriend in your entire life. it makes it a bit harder to let go. i’m not skilled in breakups like many other unfortunate people seem to be nowadays: I don’t want to treat guys like notches on my bed.

sometimes I get caught up thinking about why my ex and I didn’t quite click, and I think maybe it’s because he has this self confidence and self assuredness about him that I don’t have, and it intimidated me. nonetheless I can’t sit here and bash him and make him out to be a bad guy because he broke up with me and because I sort of resent him for it. he is actually a good guy, and I don’t think that anyone should ever regret something that once made them happy. so currently my love life is a tiny bit complex (a girl’s feelings are never simple), and I just need to try and figure things out for myself. I might need a bit of advice.

xoxo,

name

Happy Friday: Birthday Edition

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so even though this post is delayed and its technically neither Friday nor my birthday anymore, we are just going to overrule the technicality and pretend that it is so roll with it. my 20th birthday has not been like other birthdays. for one thing, I am spending it in the hospital. my grandfather has had a heart attack so the family is here waiting for him to be woken up and crossing our fingers that all is well. the doctors cooled his core body temperature down to about 34 degrees and put him under sedation. soon they will begin to slowly warm him up and bring him out of his sleep.

apparently he didn’t recognize the symptoms at first and didn’t realize that he was having a heart attack. he lasted through the pain for several days before finally going to the hospital. the doctor said that if he had waited another day he might not have made it. talk about a close call. but I am confident that he will be alright, he is a strong old man! my father is having a hard time dealing with the fact that his father is laying in a hospital bed (my grandmother died a few years ago) and so my sisters and i try to distract him and make him laugh. he seems to appreciate it.

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my birthday today has been a mix of happy birthdays and I’m sorry’s, two phrases which make a weird mixture. and while no one wants to spend their birthday in a hospital, I have nonetheless found myself surrounded by loving family. they touched me by going downstairs to the cafe and buying me a pink cupcake with a candle on top. my cousins even went down to the gift shop and bought me a UW Huskies license plate holder for my car, I appreciated this little gesture from them a lot (even though the u in “HUSKIES” is falling out and needs to be glued back in haha). I got lots of birthday wishes and lots of thoughts and prayers for my grandpa today so I really can’t complain.

tonight is going to be a long night, hopefully I’m able to catch a little bit of sleep before getting up in the morning to check on my grandpa then get ready to leave for my first ever sounders soccer game tomorrow. a guy i knew from high school is taking me. I’m excited for the game but at the same time I want to shy away from the idea of a date. half of me really wants to move on but the other half of me isn’t ready to yet. I know that I should not hold out for something that I don’t know is coming for sure, but I just can’t quite let go yet. just a little bit longer….

From the hospital,
Xoxo,

name

What You’ll Need

You’ll need coffee shops and sunsets and road trips. Airplanes and passports and new songs and old songs, but people more than anything else. You will need other people and you will need to be that other person to someone else, a living breathing screaming invitation to believe better things.

Jamie Tworkowski

Another Drop of Rain…

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guess what Washington (the state, not DC)? it’s june 27. and it’s still raining. and I’ve taken the liberty, here at 5am on this rainy morning, of brewing myself some coffee and sitting on the balcony of my back porch with my computer in my lap and my dog sleeping at my feet. feeling the cold close in around me and listening to the tapping and the dripping of the rain falling endlessly from the sky. will there be sun this weekend? you wouldn’t know it from the current state of things, but having lived here all my life I’ve learned that the weather in this state can change on the drop of a dime. from dark and melancholy to happy and bright, from angry and stormy to indifferent and overcast. possibly all in one day.

sitting here in the cold and the rain running on no sleep and possessing nothing better to do does weird things to a person, though. like making them think about things, here all alone. i miss my boyfriend, and i hate feeling alone but this experience has really made me realize that i need to first and foremost love myself and feel confident in myself before another, and that i can’t lose myself because i found someone else. if anyone has ever heard the song “On the Radio” by Regina Spektor there’s a verse in the song which goes “now this is how it works: you peer inside yourself, you take the things you like, then try to love the things you took. and then you take that love you made and stick it into someone else’s heart, pumping someone else’s blood.” it’s a great song if you get a chance to listen to it. i take a lot of inspiration from music, that’s one of the amazing things about this day and age. music wherever and however you want.

sun is about up now but the rain is still falling. rain rain don’t go away, the sun can come back another day. have a wonderful day, everyone!

Photo from We Heart It

xoxo,

Kayla