Impasse

Impasse: a situation in which progress is blocked; an insurmountable difficulty; stalemate; deadlock

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an impasse is what I feel like I am at right now. i feel stuck in a rut that i can’t get out of. my feelings are completely muddled. despite being almost 20 and having attained a bit of maturity since my junior high and early high school days (i’m sure we all look on some of those times with at least a little bit of embarrassment concerning some of our childish and irrational behavior), i nonetheless recognize that this post has the potential to turn into a lovesick teen sob story fast. just know that that’s not my intention but if it goes there i’m sorry!

but how exactly is it that you get over someone who has been such an integral part of your life for over a year? how can i put aside the feelings i still have? what exactly does a “break” entail? but i think that there are not cut and dry answers to such questions, not when your feelings are involved. it is easy to tell a friend “you need to forget about him. you need to move on, you guys weren’t happy together anyway.” it is easy to throw words out in the air and then let them sink and fall to the floor in front of you into a sort of verbal path that you should follow. it is another thing to actually walk the path. at the end of the day, now that school is out and my work hours are minimal, i am my own worst enemy, and hope is the weapon i use against myself. hope is both uplifting and inauspicious, and it is hope that drives me on. but i am afraid that it is also hope that will lead me to my ultimate disappointment.

in plain English, i have hope that maybe there is still something between us. that maybe time and space can help him come to the conclusion that he still has feelings for me, like i do for him. but more and more i am beginning to see that this may not be the ultimate outcome of this particular story. we still have our movies. our time in dark theatres where we let ourselves get lost in the stories on the screen, the actors in the middle of their performances. motion pictures as art. we are respectful friends here. we don’t need to talk. just sit thoughtfully next to each other and slip into our own adventures that the movies take us on (ultimately, we both have completely different takes on the movies. completely different impressions and interests and observations).

my feelings are a little bit bruised, especially when i consider that he may just not have any feelings for me. i am another friend in his close-knit circle, and this is honor enough. i have so many regrets, none of which anyone needs to know but which i hold within myself for my consideration only. i hesitate to throw out the word love, but i have intense love for all of my close friends. for my family. and all i want is happiness for all of them. he is the only boyfriend i have ever had which makes him important to me, and i pray for the strength to do what is best for the both of us and for the courage to continue walking with my head held high and a genuine smile on my lips.

i needed to say something somewhere, and so thank you to anyone who decided to read through this. i am seeing him tomorrow for my little sister’s dance recital (she still adores him and wanted me to invite him to come. i was surprised when he enthusiastically agreed to go). wish me luck, i might need it.

xoxoooo,

Kayla

Endnote: Link for the photo was not available on Pinterest so I am not sure where it came from.

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